“Why don’t they ever change?”

I wish I had a dollar every time I’ve heard these words.  Maybe I’d be living on a beautiful island in the Caribbean.

I’ve spent a great deal of of my ministry life helping people work through a variety of difficult relationship issues. My adoptive friends and I have also personally battled what-feels-like-impossible relationship issues through our adoption journey.

What I’m going to say is hard to say and maybe it’s harder to hear because it may feel like giving up.  On the contrary, it’s motivated by a heart to help you be healthy in the midst of it all.

Sometimes you have to face the stark reality that some relationships are beyond your power to change.

When you’ve poured out your life and heart on someone— and waited and waited— while nothing came from your something, you have to face the facts:  you can’t make people be healthy and you can’t make people love you.

This is a bitter pill to swallow.  And here lies the real danger to your soul.

Greater than the pain of that broken relationship is the danger that comes with the disappointment of that broken relationship. It’s found in the bitterness of it all and before you swallow it, let me stop you.

I know you feel you can’t get over it and you’ve already tried to go around it, but whatever you do, don’t swallow that pill.

I know you’ve hoped and you’ve cried, and you, most definitely, have prayed for breakthroughs; but if you can do anything to avoid swallowing that pill, do it.

Bitterness kills love and kills you; and love is what keeps the world and you growing and shining with hope.  Bitterness stifles joy and opens the door to hate until all that is left feels wretched and hopeless and you wonder why you should ever love anyone at all.

Not a good place for anyone.  So what do you do to avoid the bitter pill?

Set boundaries. Sometimes the hard answer of love must be no.  No more free access to your heart, your soul, and most definitely, the space in your head.  Yes, it is hard, but freedom to love comes with the willingness to say no.

Sometimes you have to release guilt and the burden of making them healthy and do what love would do–not what pity would do–for the higher good of the other person.  It may mean limiting your exposure to that relationship when you find yourself tasting the poison of bitterness and lifting up that glass of anger to drink it down.

Step back or step out, so Jesus can cleanse and refresh that heart of yours.

Pray for them. This sounds so cliché.  But Jesus said it so I’m thinking He probably thought we should do it; and if He thinks we should do it, it’s probably because it works.

“Pray for those who mistreat you…” (Luke 6:28)

It matters less that the words of Jesus are hard, and matters most that they are true.

If they are true, they will bring freedom and life.  We want to stay free of anything that makes us hard.  In those prayers of anguish comes the ability to forgive and love those who don’t love you back.   Anybody can love those who love you back.  That’s why Jesus said we needed to pray.  He’s asking us to ask Him so it’s possible.

Move forward. Too often, we grieve and grieve the loss of the unhealthy relationship so long we stay stuck in “what could have been” without realizing that we are missing out on the “what can be” right in front of us.

There comes a point where you have to move around that relationship so you can move forward.  You love them, you pray for them, but you stay healthy and find your freedom to not be held back any longer.  You live again, realizing it is really only God who can change the heart and mind of the unhealthy.   That realization brings freedom.

Make room for hope and faith to live. This is the hardest for me.  It is easy when I think about God and His greatness to find hope.  People make it harder to believe for the impossible.

That’s why we have to reach out and up to find faith.  Faith to believe in what we don’t see but has proven itself over and over.  Faith to rip up the soil and clear our mind of the constant negative thoughts that come with despair and make a place for hope to be planted instead, so it will eventually grow.   We entrust ourselves, not to faith and hope in people, but faith and hope in God’s ability to transform even the “chief of sinners.”  He’s done it in us, why would His grace fall short now?

Leave them in His lap and be free.

Spit out the bitter pill each time you taste it in your mouth and in your heart.  You may have to let the tears and prayers flow as you do, but your soul with thank you later.  And make room for these three:  faith, hope, and especially, love.  They’re what your heart needs most to stay healthy and live in freedom even when bad relationships stay bad.