He looked at me with wide eyes trying hard to make sense of my words.

“Really, I mean it.  Hasn’t anyone ever told you that you were made to be a rescuer and make this world a better place?  Try being a hero, instead of a killer.  You were made to be a hero!”

He spoke no words, stood for a moment longer, and finally ran off to continue his game of pretend killing with schoolmates.

I guess it was probably a bit much for a 5th grader to process.

I probably should not do recess duty.   My “fix-it” personality and social work instincts kick into overdrive as these kids clash and battle on the playground.

But really, why can’t everyone just get along?

I know it’s a silly question.  The playground is merely a mini-reflection of the world.  And we all know the world has trouble getting along.

Yet it feels like it is accelerating, escalating, or maybe it’s all coming to a head because it feels as if we are being consumed as a culture with “ME” mentality.

You know it well.   “ME” comes so naturally, so easily, especially when we care and feed it so often in this “ME” world that tells us we are here to be happy, to feel good, to chase our own dreams, to seek pleasure…at all costs.

But I fear what it has cost.

It has cost us words like compassion, kindness, giving, and grace.  Suddenly absent, these words leave a hole in our hearts, in our homes, and even here…on a playground.

Something should happen as we grow.   We should begin to see that we are here to make the world a better place and it’s not all about us.

I’m just not sure it’s happening.

It made me think long and hard about this issue of kids who really don’t know how to care for others because it’s always just been about “ME”.  And I think we are all reeling from an angry, and ugly world overflowing with these kids.

Think about it.  You’ve spent your whole life being told that everything is for you, about you, includes you, and is here to make you happy.  Suddenly, someone comes along and reveals it was all a hoax.

And the world doesn’t care what you think, what you say, or really even what you need.  It only cares about what you give.   And this is a new word.  Give.  You are asked to care about someone other than yourself.  About people, in general.  It may be a spouse, girlfriend, child, or aging parent.

We shouldn’t be surprised when it gets ugly.  The wake-up call can be harsh and painful.

I think it’s time to make sure we help our kids learn to feel.  Teach them what it means to care and most importantly, to give of themselves.  And here is my start-up list for my kids. You can make one too.  It is not a guaranteed fix.  It should only start us thinking.

• “What do you think I am feeling about ____?”  (fill in the blank.)  Ask this often.  Even if it annoys them. I had one child who could not read body cues. None.   I would be angry and stomping around like a crazy woman.  He would look at me and cluelessly ask, “Are you mad or something?”   I pointed out the obvious to him for a long time until he learned to connect the dots.   Suddenly, he realized that my face can tell him a great deal about what I am feeling, if he simply takes the time to look at it.  This is good for his boy brain to learn, especially if he ever intends on marrying a girl.
• “How would you feel if someone treated you the way you are treating _____?” When my youngest started school, she was hit with the “BFF” (Best Friends Forever) movement and the pressure to declare to the whole world forever who her best friend is.   She is nine years old.  I doubt she has the capacity to make that judgment for all eternity.  And I’ve also noticed how the inclusion of the “best friend” is usually to the exclusion of someone else.  Her goal is to be everybody’s friend which is a much bigger labor of love.  It sparked great conversation and thought about how others feel.  Obviously, she has special friends in her life, but I’m really tired of girls who are catty and treat people like possessions instead of like…well, people. There should be no such thing as “mean girls” on our watch.
• Time-outs for OTM (On the mind, out the mouth).  The greatest indicator of “ME” for bigger kids is self-absorbed talk.  And it’s not fun to be with.  So yes, we give our kids time-outs from speaking.  It was called, “think, but not speak.”  It helps them to develop the self-control to learn that they don’t have to always be in control and share every thought that pops into their head.  And it helps us as parents regain our sanity so we can parent properly.  And remember, don’t be harsh with this one.
• Thank-you notes for gifts and kindness. Now this was one of the hardest things to institute.  I don’t keep stamps in the house (yes, Mom, it’s still true), and rarely own a packet of thank-you cards.   But I had to get over myself.  Sometimes I still forget. But I do think it is important because it forces them to appreciate the giver, as much as the gift, which is a great lesson on caring.
• Banish name-calling.  I’ve mentioned this before.  It makes me crazy to hear the ways kids speak to each other or worse, to their parents.   Teach them that words carry power.  It all depends on how they use them.   Then teach them they were placed on this earth to make it a better and brighter place.   Anybody can be a bratty kid.  It takes something much more heroic to be a child who lifts people up with their words.
• Pray for them out loud.  Every day I am praying out loud for them to bring joy and love wherever they go that day.  My daughter laughed the first several times I prayed this over her.  But now she gets that I (and hopefully, Jesus) have an expectation that she is in her classroom to make it a better place by her contribution, not to be a pain in the neck.  And I don’t think Jesus minds a bit.
• Insist on apologies often. Your child will fail.  It is not an attack on your personal value.  Help them own it and realize they are only human.  And, please don’t let the adults in their life let them off the hook.  Too often they are uncomfortable with an apology but they need to help our kids grow more selfless.  This is really important in teaching kids that other people have value, too.  And don’t forget to apologize when you are wrong.  Someone is following you.
• Avoid empty praise. I don’t know how else to say this one.  Rather than simply walking around telling your child, “you are so wonderful,” instead, affirm them consistently on their value in Christ, and when they excel, work hard, or make selfless choices, find ways to celebrate.   Before I adopted my son, he had been told over and over how wonderful he was but no one would sacrifice to actually parent him.  It made for some twisted thinking and anger that we had to work through.  Make your words count.
• Spot the underdog.  We need to help our kids identify people who are in need of a friend.  Talk about, point it out, and herd them in that direction.  This is smart, purposeful teaching, and caring.  I want kids who aren’t afraid to put an arm around the lonely or oppressed when they grow up.
• Get rid of guilt.  Guilt makes a lousy parent.  It propels us to sympathize, pity, and cater to our kid’s selfish nature.  Love requires that we do what is best, not what is easy. Maybe your child has had bad breaks.  But avoid letting guilt give them a free pass for life.  That pass no longer works after childhood.

As my husband likes to say, whatever you feed grows.  It’s always our choice.  And what they do with it, is their choice.  We must simply connect the dots.

There is a power in this culture that pulls at our kids relentlessly to find their happiness in the pursuit of “ME”.  But Jesus teaches us that real and lasting pleasure will be found only in giving “ME” away for something much greater.  His life was a display of words like compassion, kindness, giving, and grace.  And a servant is not above his master.

Teach that to your child each and every day.   Give them faith to believe that they can be a real hero in this world, that they can make the world a better place, and that it can happen on the playground.