Boundaries · Boundaries for children · Boundaries for kids · Brat Talk · Christianity · Discipline · Family Life · Ministry · Mothering · Parenting · parenting · Special Needs Moms

BRAT TALK: Kids Who Like to Argue

African-American single-parent family

There are few things more frustrating to a parent than an arguing child.  The days and hours fly past us enough already, so who has time to argue over every little thing?

Unfortunately, even the youngest child can be masterful at arguing and it’s easy to get sucked into the vacuum early on.  There is no need to be logical to be good at arguing.  In fact, I have more than one child who would argue with a fence post, given the opportunity.  It requires only a strong desire to be heard and an insatiable need to be right and get what you want.

As a mom, this has been the toughest nut to crack in our house.  Obviously, our kids need to be heard.  The days of “because I said so” are over, and for good reason.   It only succeeded in creating an “us vs. them” mentality and made parents unreasonable dictators.  Not a good combination if we want them to learn from us the skills necessary to be a functional adult.  However, I think we know the difference between letting our children express themselves and the relentless annoyance of arguing that serves only to wear Mom or Dad down until we give in.

So how do you go about cracking this nut?

We started with this basic principle:

It must cost more to argue than they are willing to pay. 

If there is a pay-off in the long run, they will keep doing it.  So ask yourself this question:  “Is my child getting a pay-off for arguing?”  Often, we don’t even realize that we are giving in until we look closely.  And if we give in, we shouldn’t be surprised when they argue.

Sometimes I just find myself too worn out to care, and so I give in.

Kids also argue to get out of doing hard things.  Yes, we know hard things are…well, hard.   For those kids who argue over having to do things like chores, here is a suggestion:

Give them something else to do, in addition to that chore, just for arguing.

If they think doing chores is stupid, give them something truly stupid to do.  If the reward for arguing is double duty on chores, they might think twice.

For the fence-post, relentless arguer who makes you feel like you are losing your mind; you may have to go hard-core for a while.  If they argue, the answer can be an automatic: “no.”  You couldn’t grant their request, even if you wanted to.  It interrupts that natural pattern of arguing that they’ve settled into.

At first, I felt guilty with this one, but then thought about what are we trying to teach them. Chronic arguers and know-it-all’s are not any fun to be with.  If we want them to grow up without friends, we can be ruled by guilt.

Once they stop the pattern of arguing, reintroduce some basic arguing principles that will work to teach them how to use arguing correctly.  There is also a great place for dialogue and real thinking at the family table about issues in life that matter.  Take those opportunities to encourage critical thinking.

What do you do when they insist on arguing?

The response can go like this:

“I have given you my answer.  If you continue to argue, it will cost you.  I am finished with this conversation.”

Then walk away and let them argue with the fence post, if they desire.  Refuse to be engaged in the insanity of continued arguing.  If they won’t be quiet, turn on the vacuum cleaner, blender, or radio.  Be creative and keep them guessing.

You can also use humor to lighten your frustration when dealing with the relentless arguer.  One idea I used, (thank you, Nancy Thomas), was to make an arguing “appointment”.  When he began to run off at the mouth, I simply told him I’ll return later to argue.   The frustration suddenly shifts from you to them.   At the designated time, return to the little charmer and tell him it’s time to argue.

Typically the response is, “Mom, this is dumb, I don’t want to argue.”

My answer: “Really?  Finally, we agree.”

One final thing: arguing can be a learned art.  It’s important to model the behavior we want to see in our kids.  If our children are masters of this art, it may be they’ve learned it from us.

Ouch.

I had a hard time with this one. Sometimes even the parent can have an unhealthy need to be right and it comes out when talking to the people we love who aren’t afraid to challenge us, especially our kids.  Arguing usually reveals a perpetual need to be right or win all the time.  Both of these are challenges for all of us at times.

Life is short enough.  It isn’t about always being right.  And it isn’t always about winning the argument.  When it’s all said and done, it’s loving those people God has placed around you.  It’s about teaching and modeling how life works for the next generation.  Don’t waste it living with the misery of constant arguing.  Even the toughest nuts can eventually be cracked by applying the right amount of pressure in the right places.

And really…sometimes it is dumb to argue.

 

 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *