I have a great marriage.

I needed to clarify this before I begin this post just in case you interpret this as a rant against my husband.  It’s not.

My husband is a great man.   However, after over 20 years of marriage, there are still some things that I am surprised he doesn’t understand about me as a woman.  So I thought I would write them down for him so he would always remember.

I also have two teenage boys who could use some help in understanding women.  And I’m writing them down for you, as well.  Maybe your husband seems to forget these things, too.  It happens to the best of them.

Women are really not as complicated as you’ve been led to believe.  Depending on the day, we are quite consistent—with the day, of course.  Or the cycle of the moon—it all depends.  Or maybe with our hormones— it’s just a matter of learning what we need at any given time.

Here are a few things I wish the men in my life could remember:

• If a girl has to ask for it, it isn’t the same as the guy thinking it up by himself.  If I have to ask for his help, it’s…well…disappointing.  You don’t get points when it’s my idea.  It’s just not the same.  There is something wonderful about a man who remembers me without being reminded.

• Sometimes I really want to be independent. It is no reflection on you, I just do.  I like the feeling of lifting that 50 lb bag of horse feed.  Please let me do it…today.

• Sometimes I really want to be cared for. I know that seems like a contradiction, but there are days when thinking, speaking, or doing are hard, because life has been hard—and it would really mean a lot on those days, if you would care for me.  Maybe today you could carry that 50 lb bag of horse feed?

• When I feel fat, it’s okay for me to say it. It’s never okay for you to say, even if I just said it.

• When I feel fat, I don’t want to be touched and told I’m not fat. That doesn’t help…today.  Try again tomorrow.

• A girl can never have enough shoes or purses. It’s probably best if you don’t ask any more about this one.

• The chocolate hid around the house and in my car is necessary for my survival and sanity.  Some days, even Jesus prefers to deal with me only after I’ve been given enough chocolate.

• Never touch the above-mentioned chocolate without asking. If you understood what it feels like to have hormones coursing through your body (which I understand you don’t), you would see how risky that is.  On second thought, don’t even ask.

• There is only one proper position for the toilet seat.   Down.  Keep in mind that at 3 o’clock in the morning, I don’t think rationally, humanly, or lovingly.  It goes without saying that I still don’t expect, after all these years, that the toilet seat would be in a position, other than down.

• I realize that my double standards are irrational.  It’s okay for me to put my cold hands on you, but please don’t try that one on me again.  It’s just a law of nature, similar to gravity.  The more you fight against it, the more you realize it is pointless.  Yes, I have double standards, but please know that I am trying hard to keep them to a minimum.

• Being together is good, but talking together is better. Especially, after a hard day.  I know this is hard to fathom.  And by talking, I don’t mean fixing, correcting, or preaching.  Most days, I’ve already done all those things to myself before you’ve arrived home.  Sometimes, I just need you to listen, care, and remind me again why you picked me to be your wife, even when you can’t understand how hard it is to live in this hormonal body.   After 20+ years of marriage, listening still speaks love to me.

• A girl is looking for a man who will move heaven and earth to love her. When he does, he will be fortunate enough to watch her blossom.  Be that man.  Every day there are countless things that eat at our time, our relationship, our home.  Be vigilant about protecting all of these things with me.  Let’s beat the odds together.

• One of the most wonderful things about being married to you is growing old together. You know how hard it is for me to let go of my youth because our society values it so much.  But can I say that I would rather grow old with you, than stay young and beautiful forever?  I hope you remember this always when you, too, struggle with the losing and changing that comes so hard with age.  You always have been and always will be my hero.  I find that loving you as we grow older is a beautiful thing.

• Keep fighting for Jesus. There is nothing more powerful, more encouraging, or more sexy than watching my husband, filled with passion for life, pour out his life to make our world a better place.  Never quit, even when it feels like no one is listening.  We are listening; and we are watching—and we are praying you never, ever give up.

One more thing I should probably clarify.

Maybe women are complicated.  Maybe at times we have double standards, and yes, maybe even from time to time, we struggle to be rational.  But remember always that we desire to bloom into something beautiful when placed in your caring, loving, and gentle hands.

We will, too, if you choose to try your best to love us, like Jesus has loved his Bride. Remember, you never have to be perfect—just willing to do your best, and as I look back on these wonderful twenty-plus years together, your best has been pretty incredible.

Be a fierce warrior with the world around me.  Fight your flesh, fight your enemies, and fight for your family, but always remember that what I love most are the quiet, soft, and gentle moments you reserve only for me.  It’s something wonderful—something every wife longs to remember about her husband.