I’ve been in ministry for a long time.  I guess I’ve been in life a long time, too.  Perhaps that makes me old, though, I prefer to call it seasoned.   My husband and I have led a variety of people over the years.

Most are amazing people to lead.

But there is one population that can be difficult: defensive people.

By far, these are some of the toughest to lead.  Whether they are your child, employee, spouse, friend; it can be a real challenge. Even the word defensive sounds gritty and intimidating, doesn’t it?  They can be inflexible, draining, and otherwise, a pain in the hindquarters (forgive the horse analogy) to work with.

You know them well because they are the people who walk around with a chip on their shoulder just waiting—though none of us are quite sure what they are waiting for.

They wait for the right moment to project their pain on the unlucky soul who makes the mistake of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.

Life with a defensive person can be very much like walking on eggshells.  Corrections are perceived as a threat.  Your thoughts on any subject must be a personal attack, if different. Any attempt to help them grow in character results in a thicker wall of defensiveness and an unusually harsh, belligerent, silent, or sullen response.

I confess that the mother in me sometimes would prefer to take a carrot stick (yes, another horse analogy) to their hindquarters rather than deal with the shenanigans.

It’s what I do with my horse when she refuses to let me lead and help her grow. My husband just rolls his eyes when I say things like this.

Instead, I will write.

These years of leadership and my own struggles have taught me that defensiveness in people is usually just a cover for fear.  Some little fear, multiple little or big fears, any fear at all.  I know this may be hard to believe when you look at the tough exterior, but defensiveness really covers fear—fear of being vulnerable, not enough, imperfect, rejected….you get the picture.

Unfortunately, the cost of defensiveness is high.  The price paid is isolation and loss of sharpening relationships as they weary those around them with their resistance and walls.  People will only walk on eggshells for so long before they give up.  And while the defensive person misses out on growing, the truth is that they close themselves off to intimacy, love, compassion—all those things that make life and relationships good.

 And to live without real love or intimacy or compassion is to really never live at all.  It is like being the walking dead.  I don’t want anyone to live like the walking dead.

I’ve been there.

This wasn’t the kind of dead that Jesus had in mind when he talked about dying to self and picking up your cross to follow Him.  His dead was about letting go, losing your life, leaving your fears at the cross; it was about following Him by taking a risk in love, jumping into relationships (messy at times), and really getting down on your knees to look people in the eye—you know, the scary kind of love.

I’m pretty sure there are no eggshells around the cross.  Just dead people who don’t need to be afraid because they are, well, dead.  You can only scare a person who is still living.

Take a mom’s advice before life passes you by:  be relentless and knock the chip off.

Let go of your fear, let go of your past wounds, let go of the things that keep you so tied up and insecure when people try to reach in and help you become better.  Let go of your need to feel perfect and cover up any sense of failure that may make you vulnerable to correction.

There is only One who is perfect and He doesn’t want you closed up and living like the walking dead.

Leading a defensive person?  Stop avoiding and stop walking on eggshells. Walk straight to that shoulder with hammer in hand and begin knocking that chip off in love.  Ask them: “How can I help you break down these walls so I can come in? How can I help you let go of fear and really live?”

Most people I know who have defeated defensiveness were just waiting for someone to push down the walls.

We are all in progress as leaders and followers of Christ.  God is not content to leave us like we are, because everyone is in need of refining.  If we stifle that, we risk stifling the Spirit of God in our hearts and become ugly and bitter guarding that precious chip from people until we are left alone clinging only to our miserable chip of fear.

To refuse keeps us shriveled up emotionally and stuck in our insecurities.

And who likes to be stuck?

God is the only One who can keep our heart whole so that it is free to give and receive love, even in the face of fear.  For when we let in others and discover that they, too, are imperfect, messy, scared, and needing us, as much as we need them; we find freedom.

Ask Jesus to show you what it means to die to the fear of everything and anything and everyone.  He has experience in this area.  Tear down the walls you’ve thrown up around yourself and allow Him to free you to love the people you serve.  Be relentless with all the ideas that hold you captive.  God is the only defense you need.  There is great value in the friendships you can have.  There is great value in the sharpening that takes place when we make ourselves real and vulnerable to others.

Become who God made you to be.  Lead others to become who God sees they can be.

And if you still need help, I can lend you my carrot stick.