“He called you WHAT?”
“He called me a dork,” my daughter answered with giant puddles in her eyes.
Many emotions soared through my body as she explained how this fellow teammate had chosen to pick on her during track practice the previous day. I responded as any good mother would do: “Well, honey, the next time he says something like that, grab him by his collar, and tell him you are going to sock him if he calls you that again!”
After the words left my mouth, I realized this was NOT the helpful answer. We have always taught our kids they have the right to defend themselves, if necessary. But after much discussion and laughter over witty responses, we both agreed in this case it was best to forgive and move on. However, after my daughter had gone to bed, I began pondering this ongoing issue I see with children wherever I go.
What has happened to us as parents? When did it become okay to raise mean-spirited children who have no sense of compassion for others? More disturbing than even their lack of compassion is the depth of their narcissism. Who are we kidding? We have created worlds that revolve around our children and it has made them ugly. I witness the children I work with calling their OWN parents derogatory names. If nothing else, the family was designed to be a safe place, a haven from the assaults of the world. Have we as parents neglected to create an atmosphere in the home where the family operates as a team? Do we understand that when we call each other derogatory names in the home, it’s like tearing it down with our own hands? If our family is not on our team, we are truly alone in this world.
Some may say my daughter was hurt BECAUSE we don’t allow name calling in the home. Maybe we need to toughen her up? Let me clarify that though it may happen from time to time in a moment of frustration, we have established a family rule that name calling is not an option. Words hurt. Names and cruel labels stick with kids for years, especially from those people who are supposed to love them.
The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit. Proverbs 18:21
After so many years in ministry, I see the reality of this scripture in the lives of adults who are still carrying the painful labels of the past. Living inside a cruel box of someone else’s making. There will be plenty of exposure to hurtful words in this world but I don’t want it to come from the inside. Rather the foundation on the inside of the family should resiliently support us when we encounter the harshness of the outside so we can safely deflect those darts.
Yes, my daughter may cry when hurtful words are spoken. But I hope I am molding her to know that she is SO valuable that her father and I will do what is necessary to protect her and provide her an environment where she is accepted as she is and can come away to get a right perspective. And because she is accepted as she is, she can in turn accept others, speaking words of life and kindness in this harsh, cruel world.
“The world does not revolve around me, but was meant to be impacted by me.”
My kids have recited this morning confession since before kindergarten. Our heart is that they see they were placed on this earth by God to give and make a difference, not to simply take from the world for their own narcissistic desires.
No, I won’t change the standards of how we treat each other in our home. I would rather risk our “nice” kid having a few moments of pain than raise a bratty bully that no one want to be around.
Do your kid a favor, do yourself a favor, as a parent, and yes, do ALL of us in society a favor, draw the line at name calling. It isn’t fun to be with and derogatory words will always hurt us.