I have parented my adopted child for over nine years.  I will never be the same.  It is the hardest thing I have ever done.

On the days I am frustrated, it is good for me to go back and remember how far we have come.  I only wish I had known then what I know today.  But then, you might never benefit from my lessons.

So this post is for you, who are in the thick the journey of raising a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder (or other similar behavioral issues).  I am not a therapist.  I am a mother.  I have lived the journey and made many mistakes.  But few things are ever wasted.  What follows are some of the ways I survived.  I hope it will help you keep going when you feel like giving up.

• Remove the end goal of making your child “normal”. What is normal, anyway?  You have been called to steward your child and facilitate healing.  You are not a savior or magician.  If you focus on “fixing” your child, you will be miserable and frustrated.
• Embrace your new lifestyle of healing boundaries.  It is imperative to have good “emotionally” healing boundaries so your family can survive. Walk away from guilt. You are not being mean, unfair, or controlling.  Your child will show you what he can handle.  If every time you try to remove a boundary, he self-destructs, let it go.  Sometimes WE want more for them, than they do.  Set them up for success as much as possible.  Rejoice over things they CAN do and affirm them in those things.
• Forget “fair” parenting.  Parenting is about loving our children by seeking the highest good for each of them, individually, not as a group.  Trying to parent all kids the same is like saying that same haircut looks good on all people.  Surround yourself with people who understand so you can withstand those who misjudge you.   At the same time, guard your heart against impure motives.  Any boundary or discipline motivated by anger, resentment, control, or power is not love.  Know the difference.  And…
• Recognize what you are capable of.  Some days will tap into all of YOUR insecurities and ugly emotions.  This is a good time to work it out.  My healing many times mirrored my child’s healing. It was amazing how similar we were in trying to protect ourselves.  Find someone who can hold you accountable and help you deal with these emotions during the difficult seasons.
• Retreat and refresh often. You will need respite, refreshing, and lots of recreation.  I highly recommend investing in someone to be a respite caregiver.  But this should only be someone who is willing to learn and understand your situation.  Otherwise, you may find yourselves all in a nice little relationship triangle.  Take time explaining “what to expect” to people who will have time and influence with your child. (teachers, youth pastors, caregivers).  If they seem disinterested, rethink their influence.  The drama is rarely worth it.
• Pick a therapeutic hobby guilt-free.  I chose horses.  It was healthier and cheaper than therapy.  The time and energy spent with those horses was priceless.  It gave me an emotional outlet and a place to go that was safe.  They have a place for therapy. You need a “place”.  See the investment in yourself as a gift to your child.
• Limit “sharing” with them.  Every parent of a R.A.D. child usually discovers this quickly. Sharing certain things with your child becomes a quest for power and control; and you just end up frustrated.   Ideally, he should have his own room, his own tools, and own supplies.  The extra expense is worth it. I learned this only after getting upset over all the “broken” things that affected the rest of the family.  Example: my son had his own broom for sweeping.  When he broke the handle, it was his problem.  He learned to sweep with a shorter handle.  He learned that if he breaks it, it costs him something.  A good life lesson.
• Plan for the ugly behaviors. It will come and for a while, it will come often.  Don’t wait until they are raging uncontrollably to come up with an idea.   Feel free to tweak and adjust as you learn more about yourself and your child.  Talk to your spouse, talk to your counselor, talk to another therapeutic parent, but have a plan.  Talk about and explain that plan to your child BEFORE it happens.  “If you choose to ______, this is what will happen…..”  They will test it right away; they may even deny you ever told them.  Nevertheless, find a plan that works for your child that keeps everyone safe.
• Educate your neighbors. Have them read my post, “7 Confessions of a R.A.D. (Not Bad) Mom” (http://lifeinthecrashlane.wordpress.com/2014/02/27/7-confessions-of-a-rad-not-bad-mom/), so they have a clue.  Otherwise, expect they will call CPS on you.  As soon as I explained to my neighbors that my son was not being harmed while he screamed relentlessly in a rage, they were fine.  Most don’t want to be involved. We also sat down with our other children and explained everything.  They knew if anyone ever showed up because of his bizarre behavior or lying, they were going to expose it by telling the truth.  Do not teach them to be silent or fearful.  Three happy, healthy, normal kids are good evidence that your hurting child is in the right home.
• Don’t ask your child a question you don’t know the answer to.  Don’t confront guilt without proof.  If your child lies, you can’t prove it and he has had a payoff for lying. (Thanks to Nancy Thomas’ book, “When Love is Not Enough.”) This was hard because my heart knew he was getting away with things but our approach was to only discipline those things we could prove.  It only provokes a child to anger to presumes his guilt without proof.  It may be true, but unwise.  If you are wrong once and misjudge him, it’s a giant setback in the area of trust.

Finally, here is a bonus tip,

• Through it all, don’t lose your sense of humor!  You will need it. The days, months, and yes, years will be long and sometimes heart-wrenching.  But it will not be forever.  It is a great gift you are giving your child.  Your joy and fun in life goes a long way in making your home a healthy place for everyone.   Your other children are learning to be selfless.  You are learning the meaning of unconditional love.  And your hurting child?  He is learning that the new world in your house of healthy boundaries is a place where love, hope, and healing can exist, if only given a chance.   And ultimately, that choice is his.

I am praying for you.

A R.A.D. Mom